Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Randomize
