i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Sext me about skeletons
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
