counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
