so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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