No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
