just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
