I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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