my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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