Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
