I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
