I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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