You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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