I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Enjoy the penises
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
