Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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