we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
