well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
