I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
