omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
