Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
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