At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
