It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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