I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
