I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
