My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
