the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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