His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
