I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
