Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
