I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
This baby is an asshole
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
