Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
