i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
