Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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