Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
