Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
