woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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