you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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