I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
