theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
