I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
