looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
