how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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