Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
