Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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