Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
