Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
