my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
