so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He kissed a someone with a penis
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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