I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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