i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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