WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The Olympian is in my bed
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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