If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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